


Every Steps to Move on

by wangphant



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, I Don't Even Know, M/M, and messy grammar, im just trying something okay, im staying at home still i dont know what else to do, total mess of a grammar
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2021-01-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:11:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26030155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wangphant/pseuds/wangphant
Summary: “Jackson, I think we should break up.”----------It was bound to happen. They broke up. Of course, Mark knows that it won't last forever and it's time for him to just let it go. To try to not be in love with Jackson. It's hard but Mark is not Mark if he doesn't try hard. Mark has come this far career-wise, he can do this.
Relationships: Mark Tuan/Jackson Wang
Comments: 5
Kudos: 20





	1. Step One - Over work

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This is my first time publishing my work, so I don't know if it's even worth a read or not. But this is the kind of fic I want to read, so I decided to try to write it. English is not my native language and this has yet to be proof-read. There won't be a lot of typos but there WILL be at least a hundred grammar mistakes.
> 
> Enjoy :)

It was bound to happen. They broke up. Of course, Mark knows that it won't last forever and it's time for him to just let it go. To try to not be in love with Jackson. It's hard but Mark is not Mark if he doesn't try hard. Mark has come this far career-wise, he can do this.  
  
Once again, it was bound to happen. But Mark had never thought that he'd be the one to end it. Thinking that it's not healthy for him to stay in a relationship where he barely trusts the other anymore. It's not Jackson, it's Mark. No, it really is Mark. Jackson had done nothing wrong, he was still trying to stay in touch even when he's busy. He still tried to give Mark the affectionate touches and looks when the time and situation is right. Mark, on the other hand, have this overwhelmingly big insecurities in his head. So big that sometimes he can feel it in his guts.  
  
Mark was afraid. Scared that maybe Jackson has found the right person but can't bring it to break up with Mark. Scared that maybe Jackson realized that he deserves better. But of course, it's all in his head because when he thinks about it with his head instead of his heart there isn't a time where Jackson acted as if he's not madly in love with Mark. But Mark just can't bring it in himself to overcome those fears. Hell, he didn't even try to tell Jackson about those fears.  
  
Mark let out a heavy sigh to let out the ever-growing pressure in his chest. He had been stuck in one of JYP's smaller dance practice room, working on the choreography of their past comebacks and even tried to choreograph a new song that PD-nim showed them 2 weeks ago. He went straight to the dance practice after he went out with Yugyeom to Seoulcup for some coffee. They had a meeting for their next comeback and some solo activities. Mark knows that if he went home he'd only think about whether his decision to end his relationship with Jackson is right and ended up logging in to his computer to play games for the next 8 hours instead of sleeping. It's better to polish his dance moves and maybe trying to remember their old choreography would take his mind off of Jackson.  
  
Mark is not the best dancer JYP (the company, of course) has ever encountered, but he sure is not the worst. His athletic background, though not professional like Jackson's, helps a lot. Mark notices that their choreographer often positioned him at the back and the edge of the formation and he thought maybe if he worked on his dance a little more now he'd get more center position in the next comeback.  
  
Mark stops himself from dancing to Call My Name for the sixth time tonight. He had conjured an hour-long playlist filled with songs he thinks he could do better in. Sometimes he went and repeat the same song without waiting for the full playlist to play. It's almost 11 p.m and Mark is sweating from the very end of his hair to the very end of his toe. He needs to shower and go home.

Mark walked to the corner of the room to turn off the audio he had been using and sat down on thr floor next to his charging phone. He checked on his notifications and decided that there is nothing worthy to immediately reply to. He scrolled on his private Instagram account while stretching his legs and neck. Nothing special.

When he finished scrolling the explore page of his Instagram he went ahead to stand up and get ready to leave the room. He drank his water, took his jacket, and put on his hat. When he was about to turn off the lamp and walk out of the room his phone started ringing. BTOB Peniel, the caller id informed him. Mark picked up the phone despite not wanting to talk to anyone because Peniel rarely calls him, so he thought there must be something important that Peniel had to say through the phone. He proceeded to turn off the lamp and walk out the door.  
  
"Hello?" Mark greeted Peniel, stopping in front of the door just in case Peniel wanted to talk about something private.  
  
"Is it true?"  
  
"Why, yes Peniel I'm fine thank you, and you?"  
  
There was no response so Mark huffed and leaned back his back is resting on the closed door, he's squatting down.  
  
"Yes, it is true. How did you know anyway?"  
  
"Not important. Why?"  
  
"Don't you think it was bound to happen? He's just so busy and it's hard for us to keep everything hush-hush."  
  
"Bullshit. You've kept everything hush-hush for the last 3 years!"  
  
"It's actually 4."  
  
"You get my point! It's not nothing! Did you find someone else?"  
  
Mark almost feel offended. "Of course not! You know just how much I'm in love with him!"  
  
"Then why did you let him go?"  
  
Mark let out a sigh. He'd been dodging this kind of conversation for almost 2 weeks, the time period in which Jackson and Mark are no longer a couple, and maybe it's time. So Mark let out all his worries, in a mix of English and Korean, to Peniel knowing that Peniel wouldn't judge and he'd listen. He talked about how he'd been having a lot of doubts toward Jackson. How he checked almost everyone he posted a picture-with in his Instagram, both private and public, and even his Weibo. How he had these non-sense insecurities in his head about Jackson finding another person but just can't bring himself to break up with Mark. How Mark thought that Jackson stayed because He pities Mark.  
  
"What did he say?"  
  
"What? Jackson? I didn't tell him why, I just said it's not going to work out."  
  
Then Peniel called him stupid in a way that has Mark frowning and pouting like a child.  
  
"I know you're not stupid Mark, this is not your first rodeo!"  
  
"Well yeah? My last rodeo was junior year in Cali before I threw myself all the way to South Korea!"  
  
It's only half true though because Mark had some flings and some (supposed to be) one-night stands that went for more than 2 weeks. But his last official relationship was with a girl back in LA, he was too busy adapting with trainee life to try to have a serious relationship. Unlike Jackson who had a girlfriend right until before they debuted.  
  
But Peniel was right. Mark knew that this, whatever the fuck the thing that he had been doing for these past (way more than) couple of months is, is not right. It's not how relationship was supposed to be. Mark is not an 8th grader that just had their first kiss and thought that their relationship would last forever. Mark is an adult who actually understands the basic of a healthy relationship is communication.  
  
"This ain't right, man. Are you free? come over to my place and let's have a drink."  
  
"I'm literally drenched in sweat and squatting in front of the practice room."  
  
"Not an answer."  
  
Mark huffed and mulled over the thought of just rejecting the offer and go back home to his trusty dog. But a drink with an old friend is what Mark needed now, it'll take his mind off of things.  
  
"Lend me your clothes and buy some chicken then it's a yes."  
  
"Considered done. Do you want me to pick you up or?"  
  
Mark refused the offer and informed Peniel that he'd take a taxi and be there in an hour top.  
  
"Alright, see ya later alligator!"  
  
When Peniel hung up, Mark stayed where he was for a few moments. He's thinking is this really a good idea. Peniel is a good friend of Mark, they went way back to trainee days. But he hadn't even talked with his bandmates about this. Their bandmates knew that they broke up, Mark didn't say, Jackson didn't say, they just knew.  
  
Now that he had the moment to think about it, Mark had not told anyone about how it went.  
  


* * *

  
  
_It was a quiet Saturday for Mark and he thinks that it's the right time to do it. Mark had been holed up in his house for the last two days, ordering in his food and barely touched his phone._  
  
_Mark had been dwelling on this thing forever. He doesn't know what's right and what's wrong in this complicated relationship. He had been feeling like a piece of shit for doubting his lover, but he couldn't stop._  
  
_It's like when you're leaving your house fully knowing you didn't even turn on the stove that day but couldn't help but have this nagging feeling that you left it on. It's irrational, but you just can't help it, and then you came back just to make sure you did turn it off._  
  
_Mark has decided to come back and turn the stove off. He decided that it'd be better for him if he just put his mind at ease by breaking up with Jackson. So he picked up his phone and sent a text to his hong-kong native bandmate._  
  
_Mark: Gaga, can we talk?_  
  
_not even a minute went by and his phone chimed with a text notification._  
  
_Jackson: Sure thing baby, what's up?_  
_Jackson: You good? You didn't answer my texts_  
  
_Mark's palms were sweating even when he's inside his air-conditioned room. He wiped his hands on his sheet and typed in a reply._  
  
_Mark: Yeah, sorry_  
_Mark: No, let's meet up_  
  
_Jackson: Okay, but im still in the studio_  
_Jackson: Dinner? Burger?_  
  
_Mark: It's okay. Yeah, wherever is fine_  
  
_Jackson: Alright, The Famous then._  
  
_Mark: kay_  
  
_Jackson: <<<3333_  
  
_Mark left Jackson's reply on read and take a deep breath. Even when he's on his way to turn off the stove there's a nagging feeling that he shouldn't. He didn't turn on the stove even once. He's good._  
  
_Mark tried to shake it off and decided to take a bath. He’s not the type to take baths but he thought maybe he’d drown and wouldn’t have to carry the ever-growing burden of his awful plan. With that Mark passed an hour inside his tub, trying to drown in a tub full of lavender bubble bath._

* * *

  
  
Mark arrived at the designated location just a few minutes before 8 and his teammate was already there sitting in the far corner of the medium-sized shop. There was a bottle of water and a half-eaten burger in front of him. Jackson is on a strict diet and he always tries to cut his calorie intake, no fries for him.

Mark took a deep breath and prepare himself for the worst.

“Hey,”

“Eyy, Mark!”

“Sorry. Have you been here long?” Mark took a sit in front of Jackson.

“Nah, the studio is kinda far from here so I decided to go a little earlier. Turns out there was no traffic so I got here early.” Jackson shrugged and took a bite of his burger.

Jackson motioned to his meal, wordlessly asking Mark if he wanted some or maybe order his own. Mark answered the question with a shake of his head. No, he might puke if he tried to swallow anything other than his saliva.

“What’s up? What do you want to talk about?” Jackson asked in a relaxed manner. Not knowing what’s coming to his direction.

“Jackson, I think we should break up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaannddd that's that on my very first work. I haven't even started on the second chapter but eehh, it's not like anyone is waiting.


	2. Step Two - Drink Your Feelings Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for people who commented! I don't know how to reply to them but you guys really pushed me to write! Here's another short one but I hope this one is better than the first chapter.

”Thank you,” Mark said after receiving his card back. He took a cab to Peniel’s place like he said he would.

Mark stepped out of the car and stood still. His chest heavy with feelings he couldn’t even try to describe. He considered going back home. The moment passed and he finally took the first step towards the front door of the apartment building.

Peniel lives in an area that was common for celebrity and idols to reside. The place had enough stores and cafes around, but it’s not somewhere people would go for the weekend so it’s quite empty except for some residents loitering around. Mark had went to Peniel’s a couple of times, so he headed straight for the elevator and pushed the button to his destination.

Once Mark had stood in front of Peniel’s unit he mulled over just going back home once again. It’s not like this is a big deal that he needed to consult over with someone. His dog might be a better company than Peniel for tonight.

Mark sighed, shaking the thought out of his mind. He promised Peniel and he knew that he shouldn’t let his mixed feelings for his relationship with Jackson took over his actions towards other people. So Mark pushed the bell.

The door swung open and his old friend is standing on the doorway with a half smile. If Mark didn’t know better he would take it as pity but Peniel is not that kind of guy. He’s smiling to welcome Mark home after a long day of work when it’s not even Mark’s home. Mark was glad he didn’t turned back to his actual home. He needed this.

“Hey, dude. Come on in! The chicken just got here and your change of clothes is in the bathroom,” Peniel ushered Mark in and took the gym bag off his shoulder.

Mark put on the slipper that was right in front of him and felt the ache on the bottom of his feet started to settled in. He felt too tired to do anything out of no where. The welcoming Peniel had greeted him with made Mark felt way more at home than what his mother would considered to be polite for being a guest.

“Take your time in the shower or you can use the tub. I’ll run to the store to get a few beers, okay?”

Mark nodded and heard the door closed behind him. The automatic lock made a familiar sound.

When Mark finally got into the bathroom he found a set of black sweats, a new toothbrush, a new razor, and even a pack of unopened boxer. Mark would have cried if he wasn’t so worn out. He opted out the tub, thinking that he might just went ahead and drown himself in the fragrant water.

Mark stripped out of his now-dried clothes. The cold air in the bathroom made him shiver. He sluggishly jumped into the shower stall and turned on the hot water. Scorching hot. Peniel’s shampoo was a soothing and gentle one. His scalp finally relaxed and the headache he had since he woke up this morning (11 o’clock) went away.

Mark took a short shower brushing off Peniel’s comment that, subtly, told him to be alone with his thought and sort his feelings. Mark didn’t want that. He’s not that close with his thought, anyway. He stepped out of the shower and dried his body. Skipping the razor, he brushed his teeth while staring into his reflection. Damn, he looked tired and what's up with those eyebags? His make-up artist would sigh over the amount of concealer and foundation she would have to use.

His legs were heavy as he dragged himself out of the bathroom and into the living room. Peniel was there preparing the chicken and beers. He didn’t look up.

“Hey,” Mark rasped out, shocked with how his voice sound.

Peniel looked up with his usual goofy and friendly look. It wasn’t force and Mark was glad for that. He found himself feeling glad a lot more in Peniel's place than he had been for the past couple of days.

“C’mere, we gotta eat this while they’re still hot and crispy.” Peniel waved his hands motioning the space next to him.

Mark wasn’t hungry, he asked Peniel to buy the chicken on a whim, but the smell of grease and seasonings made his stomach rumbled.

_At least I’m not telling him this for free._

Mark lowered himself to the floor and sat cross legged. He reached out for the beers.

“Why did you buy so many beers? There’s only two of us,”

“The first step after breaking up is crying, or partying, and the next is getting drunk until you black out,” said Peniel while he opened his own can.

“I didn’t cry,”

Peniel shrugged, “We don’t have to follow those steps to a t.”

The beer washed down a non-physical lump on Mark’s throat and he chugged half the can in seconds. He only stopped because of Peniel’s hand around his arm.

“You don’t have to black out now. Tell me what happened first,”

“Yeah, yeah, I will. Let me eat first. I’m not _that_ lightweight.” Mark took the deep fried wing. He had always preferred wings rather than the nation-wide-worshiped drumsticks.

The fat and oil melted in Mark’s mouth and now he felt hungry. Even more than the usual post-practice hungry. He took a few gulps of beer after he finished his first wing, the other hand already holding another one.

“Should we order some more?” Peniel asked, his drumstick yet to be finished.

Mark shook his head, his mouth full. He wouldn’t be feeling like eating more when Peniel finally made him talk.

The two idols sat there in silence, munching away on their food. It’s not an unusual sight for other idols, but regular people- not that idols are any more special than non celebrity- would be confused since a lot of them think that idols only eat lean chicken breast and salads. Mark personally never went on a weight loss diet. His diet usually requires him to eat more so that he could build some muscle. Even though he could easily lose them in a couple of days.

When the first box is empty, Peniel wiped his hands and mouth with a wet tissue. His can still heavy with beers. Mark was on his second can and it’s emptying fast.

“Now talk,”

Mark wiggled and leaned back to the sofa thinking about where should he start.

“From the beginning. The very beginning. We have all day tomorrow,” Peniel said in a I-am-not-asking-I’m-telling tone.

So, Mark started. His words were jumbled between English and Korean. His tongue felt heavier after each sentence. He stopped every other sentences to take a swig out of his can. His mother language felt foreign and his Korean is not that good to be used to tell this complicated feeling he felt.

Mark honestly couldn’t even remember his first time doubting Jackson but he remembered vividly the agitated and heavy feeling on his teeth that day. He remembered how he couldn’t stop chewing his lower lip to make the feeling go away. He felt _wrong._ Like he’s betraying Jackson. He remembered the anxiety that made him walked around his apartment in circles for a good fifteen minutes.

After that he spoke to Yugyeom. Not knowing who else he could turn to without jeopardizing the group with a headline-worthy story. K-pop Boy Group Members Are Dating Each Other - Here’s a Few Hints that We Can’t Believe We Missed. He imagined the headlines in those click-bait "news" portals.

Yugyeom helped a lot back then but the feelings only grow. The more time they spent away from each other the bigger the doubt. The insecurities. The whatever-the-fuck-this-thing-that-made-him-stalk-Jackson’s-hair-stylist’s-boyfriend’s-sister’s-instagram. He felt like puking after he realized whose Instagram account he had been scrolling through.

It wasn’t only doubt. There was something more but Mark could never pin point the feeling. It’s like a fear of Jackson knowing that Mark hadn’t been honest for the past few years. He imagined the hurt on his lover’s face if he ever found out all the what-ifs in Mark’s mind. He didn’t, and still doesn’t, want Jackson to catch on his feelings.

Mark couldn’t actually go through the exact timeline of thoughts and feelings that brought him to the conclusion he had to cut the relationship off. He was also not telling Peniel everything in a chronological order. He just rambled on and on adding a few ‘oh, before that’ and ‘oh, and also’ if he remembered more crazy thoughts that he thought. Peniel let him talked and only interrupted him when he wanted to make sure he understood the story correctly. 

Mark had been drinking for awhile now. Peniel, once again, let him. He said it himself, you cry and drink after a break up. The beer gave him a pleasant buzz. He fely the soreness from the crazy practice went away and was replaced by the light feeling you get when the booze is starting to take over.

“I don’t know if that was everything but I can’t go on. I don’t know if there’s more.” Mark downed all the beer left in his 4th can.

Peniel offered him some tissue and only then Mark realized that he had cried. He didn’t know the burning he had felt was from tears and not because he was dying to go to bed. He didn’t realize that his cheeks were wet from the tears and not because he tipped his beer can over to finish it. He didn’t realize his chest was throbbing. His hand was gripping the empty beer can in an iron fist. The can crumpled.

Mark sobbed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh-oh what's going to happen next? I, myself, don't know :D


End file.
